wow

I did not realize how long it has been since I updated this thing. So all of my test results came back normal. which meant our little girl was sick. we sat down with the doctor who felt comfortable doing another IUI. I on the other hand could not put myself through all that just to end up with the same outcome. So we decided to take a break from our treatments and when we are ready come back for IVF. I really needed to get my head clear and get back in the game. Hard enough to get beat down once but then to get back up and brush it off and get beat down again i need a break.

Also, around this time there was a house near my mom's house that I have always eyed went on the market. We decided to put in an offer and see where it went. Well the house is now ours. it is a total renovation and we are pretty busy with that. not to mention it has sucked us of our savings. This is completely worth it because now our future children will have a house to come home to.

I am going for acupuncture and for 3 months (hopefully to be 4 in the next few days)I have ovulated on my own. I feel good. Timing hasn't worked out well for us to have intercourse but it is so exciting to see my ovulating and menstruating in a normal cycle. So who knows, maybe (yea I can dream) we will be one of those miracles that happens on its own because we were not thinking of it (even though I don't know how i will ever stop thinking of it)

Oh and also to make the knife wound hurt a little more. Not only did i receive coupons for diapers. I got formula delivered to me AND the cord blood registry was wondering if i was still interested. Thanks, but no thanks. Yet again i will be better once were past Feb. 17th.

Strange to think this time last year I hoped 2010 would be a better year than 2009. Well I was wrong. We still don't have the child we always wanted. But on the brighter side we do have our new house. if it doesn't work out I will just get a puppy.

Test Results

We got some results back from the D&C and our chromosome tests.

We were having a baby girl. I knew it was a girl by the symptoms i was having! Of the 20 cells they tested. 15 were normal girl. however, 5 of them had a inverted 11th chromosome. They suggested we go for further chromosome testing (which we already did since it takes a few weeks to come back). They thought that I may or hubby may carry the inverted chromosome. Well we both have normal chromosomes. which means it was something wrong with the baby. They seem to also think it was bad luck x2. BUT to be safe they sent me for further testing and blood workup for recurring pregnancy loss.

We have a follow up the end of august to review these test results and set a plan for the next one.

Still have not gotten my period since the D&C yet anyways. I am in no rush and ready and willing to wait for all these results to come back and get my body ready for the next attempt.

Praying God keeps working on giving us our perfect little buddle of joy.

2nd anniversary

so yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary. my how the years have flown. I said to the hubby "boy time flies when you're having fun huh?" he said "what fun?" ohh fun like "lots of vacations and sightseeing! and we did indeed have lots of trying to make babies..and did make two babies and undergo lots of fertility testing" lol that has been such fun. all in all i could not have asked for a better husband by my side. the complete opposite of me. The one who keeps me grounded and reminds me of what is real in life is and not where my mind can lead me.

i have to vent for a second. i cannot stand people who complain about being pregnant. PLEASE SHUT UP. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I would give anything to be full term and complain that i am "uncomfortable" or my baby is growing off the charts.

These are the things that make me angry. because i have learned to truly appreciate those things. AND the last couple of weeks when i have been so tired and nausea had hit. yes, i did feel bad. but i embraced it and appreciated it.

so as i sit here with my cramps to remind me of our latest loss i will just continue to hold onto hope that we will someday soon be holding our much anticipated and appreciated baby in our arms with more love than this kid has ever dreamed.

my thyroid came back at 1.19 and that is perfect. just gonna keep on my synthroid and await our newest test results to come back. been giving it some more thought and i think i am moving towards being ready for the 3 letter word we've been putting off as our "last resort"...ivf.

Tomorrow i will be trying accupunctor and on thursday will be going to the chiropractor. going to fill my life with relaxing experienments on my body anything that helps!

testing my faith in God....

So i did end up pregnant with the last cycle. They started me on synthroid to help my "borderline" hypothyroid stay normal. and then shortly into it they started me on progesterone supplements (my level was normal but more to be precautious). we were just prolonging the inevitable.....

my hcg levels rose appropriately. 121,255, 1600, 3080...scheduled our first ultrasound and everything measured fine and we did see a flickering heartbeat. vern jumped out of his chair he saw it so well. our second ultrasound however gave us a scare. Baby had grown appropriately but the heart rate was very very low. we could not hear it but we counted it at about 80. my heart was beating so hard out of my chest enough for the both of us....we left that appointment uneasy. the doctor said it can go one of two ways. 1. it picks up and its fine or 2. its the start of a miscarriage as things are working it realizes somethings not right... we had to wait a dreaded week. felt so sick. well we hoped the outcome would've been the first one but unfortunately we went thursday and it was the second one. no growth actually smaller than last time and the heartbeat was completely gone.

this time we opted for the d&c so they can test the fetus. were also going for chromosomal testing. going to wait to try again til we get some results back.

so bummed. so mad at Him. loosing faith in Him. how could he do this to us again? i am full of too many questions of why and why not and how could He?

here we go again. UGH

so we wait....

So we did proceed with using the bravelle and doing the IUI. We produced ONE yes i said ONE mature follicle and did 2 days of IUI. 60 million sperm with 90% motility first day and 100million sperm with 90% motility the second day. That was a week and 1 day ago. now we just wait. Had a little implantation cramping/bleeding monday morning. Hoping that is a good sign. May not announce I am pregnant right away. Do not want to jinx it this time. Gonna wait til 12 weeks or a THUMPING so loud you can hear it down the hall way heart beat. so wish me luck!

update

I never updated about the plan that we set up with the doctor. I did that because while we were away in Europe I ovulated! Took advantage as best I can and have been waiting for my period or a positive pregnancy test.

We all for the plan we were weighted with a couple of different decisions. 1. try a pill sort of like clomid. 2. go for IVF or 3. IUI with injections (going back to bravelle the med i got pregnant on) with possibility to switch to IVF if gets out of control. We opted to for option 3. But now knowing I ovulated on my own maybe that is why I should try the pills??

Well I did not get a pregnancy test to say positive. But to be honest I thought I was pregnant. My urine smelled so strong just like when I was pregnant and I had been cramping all week long with no sign of AF. But nope woke up this morning to my period. It is not very heavy but will be going in saturday morning for my blood work and ultrasound and we will begin again. I am going to proceed with the IUI with injections. I feel confident going back to this med I got pregnant on and if it still seems too much I will A. convert to IVF if it seems optimal OR try the pills next time.

Kind of a bummer that I did not get pregnant on vacation. We were in Italy and how nice of a story would that have been? oh well. just gotta keep on this roller coaster.

Ughh

Despite their conservative efforts I was overstimulated again. On barely any medication. Therefore they think I will be a perfect IVF canadate because they know I will produce a lot of eggs. They understand it's a money issue/insurance issue. I basically after 1 ivf cycle will have paid a good 5000$ if not more outta my pocket and then have nothing left for fertility insurance. I'm only 25 and knowing it's gone is frightening. So we have a follow up on April 8th. Gonna wait to try again until we get backfrom our cruise at the end of April. Which we would have to wait any way to let my ovaries rest. Complete fustration. Heartwrenching. Ugh

=)

So just as I have suspected. My lining was thin as paper and my bloodwork was within normal limits. I started stimulation last night! woohoo. were making progress. this is a good month. if we do get pregnant GREAT. if we don't no worries. then i can drink wine on our cruise to europe. life is good.

gahhhhhh

Why can we not catch a break? Seriously? I started bleeding before my pack of pills were up. Nothing heavy but it lasted until the pill pack ended (4 days). I notified the team. they said continue with the pack and my period should still come. I know my body and knew it wouldn't and it didn't. I asked if I could/should just go for the baseline blood work/ultrasound just in case. They kept insisting my period was coming. At this point my discharge had stopped and nothing was going on. I know it, it is my body. So finally I got through to them and they will see me tomorrow morning for an ultrasound to check my lining. if it is thin I will get my blood drawn. if all pans out I will still proceed with stimulation. UM hello that's what I have been trying to do. If I do not end up getting stimulated this go around I will be on hold until we get back from our cruise at the end of April. (this is my own personal decision). So we will see.

I am finding each day different. some days I am so discouraged and bummed and others I am fine and positive and looking to the future and KNOW my time will come. Its just hard seeing others around me getting it and I am still waiting. And the fact that I had it and lost it is even harder for me to accept. Life is not fair.

BUT I need to realize how much I am blessed with. A loving and wonderful husband. The most supportive friends/family who love me beyond belief. I have a great secure job. A roof over my head. A beautiful life full of things people dream of. I will someday get the completion I am looking for. God made me, he knows my thoughts. He's got a bigger plan for me than I could ever dream. And unfortunately I need to be patient which I am NOT.

interesting??

So my birth control pack ends next week. so once i get my period I go in for day 3 baseline bloodwork/ultrasound. we went to the re and decided on a new approach so hopefully I will not overstimulate this time.

soo the last time i got pregnant i had two relatives have dreams i was pregnant. well last week a good friend of mine told me she had a dream i had a baby girl, who was beautiful looked like suri cruise and we named her jordan (this is the 3rd dream someone had that i had a girl). Then last night my stepfather had a dream that my mom told him i was pregnant.

sooooo hopefully those are good signs right!?!

sooo....

It looks like were on another break. I got my period and went in for day 3 bw and u/s and the follicles are stilll HUGE. so there is no way to proceed this month. I got put back on birth control. So we try again next cycle. I am being optomistic. THe last time this happened we got pregnant the cycle after coming off the birth control. Fingers are crossed.

no luck

My estrogen jumped again and my ovaries are completely blown up. been cut off and will have to try again next cycle. likely will have to wait 2 periods since they may still be blown out by the time i get my next period. so annnoying

rollercoaster of fertility

Well. I was told I could have one more day. So in this morning and the ultrasound did not looks SO bad. But my estrogen level came back (yesterday the level was 700ish) and today was 1700!! woahhhh way to many eggs. options were cancel this month OR wait without meds until thursday morning and redo bloodwork/ultrasound and see if things calm down. this can still be a successful month. just gotta wait and see what thursday brings. if not. next month. my ovaries feel like they are going to explode though thats for sure. anyways was on the lull part of my rollercoaster ride of fertility and tried to find some inspirational quotes. not sure who wrote them BUT they were very helpful:

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?”

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.
"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."


I will share the other one too:

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
it calls to say I'm here, don't dispair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistance. If it were not
for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it. In the end you just keep
on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves
me, the one who can love me as no other can. You will be that
mother that you always wanted to be. Just you keep waiting for me.

blahhhh

Looks like i am 90% sure I am done with this month. unfortunately my ovaries have been overstimulated YET AGAIN and they physically cannot proceed with an IUI this month. we can always vouch for a round of IVF. problem is my insurance SUCKS and i won't be able to get any other form of treatment ever again. Well once again. we wait. leaving this out of my control. well i worked the last 3 night and am becoming delusional. i will keep posted about the options/plan.

blahhh

So I finally get to start this cycle :) went in for baseline ultrasound. Everything looked normal. Well my normal anyways. Looking forward to some positives this 2010!