testing my faith in God....

So i did end up pregnant with the last cycle. They started me on synthroid to help my "borderline" hypothyroid stay normal. and then shortly into it they started me on progesterone supplements (my level was normal but more to be precautious). we were just prolonging the inevitable.....

my hcg levels rose appropriately. 121,255, 1600, 3080...scheduled our first ultrasound and everything measured fine and we did see a flickering heartbeat. vern jumped out of his chair he saw it so well. our second ultrasound however gave us a scare. Baby had grown appropriately but the heart rate was very very low. we could not hear it but we counted it at about 80. my heart was beating so hard out of my chest enough for the both of us....we left that appointment uneasy. the doctor said it can go one of two ways. 1. it picks up and its fine or 2. its the start of a miscarriage as things are working it realizes somethings not right... we had to wait a dreaded week. felt so sick. well we hoped the outcome would've been the first one but unfortunately we went thursday and it was the second one. no growth actually smaller than last time and the heartbeat was completely gone.

this time we opted for the d&c so they can test the fetus. were also going for chromosomal testing. going to wait to try again til we get some results back.

so bummed. so mad at Him. loosing faith in Him. how could he do this to us again? i am full of too many questions of why and why not and how could He?

here we go again. UGH