Tuesday, July 13, 2010

2nd anniversary

so yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary. my how the years have flown. I said to the hubby "boy time flies when you're having fun huh?" he said "what fun?" ohh fun like "lots of vacations and sightseeing! and we did indeed have lots of trying to make babies..and did make two babies and undergo lots of fertility testing" lol that has been such fun. all in all i could not have asked for a better husband by my side. the complete opposite of me. The one who keeps me grounded and reminds me of what is real in life is and not where my mind can lead me.

i have to vent for a second. i cannot stand people who complain about being pregnant. PLEASE SHUT UP. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I would give anything to be full term and complain that i am "uncomfortable" or my baby is growing off the charts.

These are the things that make me angry. because i have learned to truly appreciate those things. AND the last couple of weeks when i have been so tired and nausea had hit. yes, i did feel bad. but i embraced it and appreciated it.

so as i sit here with my cramps to remind me of our latest loss i will just continue to hold onto hope that we will someday soon be holding our much anticipated and appreciated baby in our arms with more love than this kid has ever dreamed.

my thyroid came back at 1.19 and that is perfect. just gonna keep on my synthroid and await our newest test results to come back. been giving it some more thought and i think i am moving towards being ready for the 3 letter word we've been putting off as our "last resort"...ivf.

Tomorrow i will be trying accupunctor and on thursday will be going to the chiropractor. going to fill my life with relaxing experienments on my body anything that helps!

Monday, July 12, 2010

testing my faith in God....

So i did end up pregnant with the last cycle. They started me on synthroid to help my "borderline" hypothyroid stay normal. and then shortly into it they started me on progesterone supplements (my level was normal but more to be precautious). we were just prolonging the inevitable.....

my hcg levels rose appropriately. 121,255, 1600, 3080...scheduled our first ultrasound and everything measured fine and we did see a flickering heartbeat. vern jumped out of his chair he saw it so well. our second ultrasound however gave us a scare. Baby had grown appropriately but the heart rate was very very low. we could not hear it but we counted it at about 80. my heart was beating so hard out of my chest enough for the both of us....we left that appointment uneasy. the doctor said it can go one of two ways. 1. it picks up and its fine or 2. its the start of a miscarriage as things are working it realizes somethings not right... we had to wait a dreaded week. felt so sick. well we hoped the outcome would've been the first one but unfortunately we went thursday and it was the second one. no growth actually smaller than last time and the heartbeat was completely gone.

this time we opted for the d&c so they can test the fetus. were also going for chromosomal testing. going to wait to try again til we get some results back.

so bummed. so mad at Him. loosing faith in Him. how could he do this to us again? i am full of too many questions of why and why not and how could He?

here we go again. UGH