Saturday, November 28, 2009

hard day

I had some thing said to me. made me just be so sad and frustrated. I want what I want. I go for what I want. I have always had to struggle for EVERYTHING I have wanted. Why? to make me more appreciative? well I am. To be a stronger person? I am. But why do I have to be one to struggle? Maybe sometime I want something to be given to me that I don't have to fight for. I don't understand and I probably never will but today I am struggling to understand the questions I have to ask myself everyday.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


so I went for blood work and ultrasound this morning. my lining is still thick. they drew my blood and we are waiting for my blood work before we decide what our options are. looking at still having to do the d&c (hope we won't have to), provera to induce my period, or we just wait.....will keep ya posted. they said its not emergent. so we will see.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Great Friend....

...gave me this beautiful necklace. The flower in the middle is a 'forget me not'. It came with a beautiful poem which read:

"my little one
you have left us too soon
though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
as precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
a mother's love does not forget"

then the rose quartz (the pink gem) signifies healing from a loss and to bring back emotional balance

and the brown colored gem signifies the month of November in which we lost our baby.

This is gift is beautiful and special and I am so lucky to have such loving/caring friends in my life. this made my day and lifted my spirits.

Friday, November 20, 2009


I am venting here. totally off topic of fertility issues. but still along the sideline of women issues.

I am sick of insurance companies and the government deciding what is right for MY health care.

First it was that mammograms do not need to be started until 50?? oh really well I am at a high risk for breast cancer and my doctor wants me me to start going at 30 and go every 2 years.

Now it is that we may not need pap smears every year? Well that's another concern to me. I had an abnormal pap after 3 years of being monogamous.

Who is the government or insurance company to tell me when I need tests. Trust my doctor's decisions and pay for that crap. what else am I am paying for?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

waiting and waiting

I have become so good at waiting! I think my lesson in life has been that this will not be done on my time and this is OUT OF MY CONTROL. as someone who is a planner this is hard for me.

I still have not started bleeding since taking the miso again x2 and I spoke to them today. I have to wait a week and see what happens.

wait wait wait.....

First Blog...long one...

Ugh...where to even begin? I was diagnosed with PCOS in March of 2009. This was after 6 months of being off the pill. After many tests they started me on metformin. My only lab that was off was my testosterone. Actually it was THROUGH THE ROOF. I was on metformin and getting regular period for the first time in almost a year! However around June I was getting really frustrated with my acne. It was so painful. They decided to redraw my testosterone and it was HIGHER than it was before. So basically the doctor said "I have to get you pregnant" and being that my testosterone was so high they said "its nearly impossible to ovulate on your own". So I put my hands up and left all control to the professionals. They decided the best option for us would be injectable meds and IUI. This brings us to our first cycle in July. We went through the cycle/IUI without a hitch. We were so hopeful and excited! then before the 2ww was even up....DARN auntie showed up! That beyotch who didn't want to come for 70 something days or even not show up at all wanted to come visit early!!

We were devastated. First day or so I wallowed in my self pity and then put the game face back on and was ready to try again. Day three of my cycle I went in for the baseline ultrasound/blood work and guess what? Yup..hyper stimulation of my ovaries. There were SO MANY FOLLICLES it was not even funny! The plan was rest x1 cycle and put me back on birth control to help the follicles go away. This now brings us up to September when I began the next cycle. My ovaries were cleared back to "my normal". So we started cycle number 2 of injectables/IUI. We approached this a little more hush hush, a little more cautiously optimistic. tried to not think about what was happening to my body during the 2ww. AND much to our surprise IT WORKED!! We were beyond ecstatic. I could not believe we were actually pregnant.

So for the next week or so we went for beta tests of my HCG to make sure it was properly rising. Our levels every few days were as followed: 220, 440, 1005, 5590. they brought us in for our first ultrasound and everything looked as perfect as it can so early in the game (that was approx week 5). Then we went in for another ultrasound at 6w4d and our nutter butter as we decided to call him/her was right on track. We saw a little fluttering heart beat!! It was like a beautiful sparkling star shining so bright saying "I AM HERE". We were elated. I sort of looking back had a nervous unexplained feeling of uneasiness leaving that ultrasound. We went back in for our ultrasound at 8w1d. I even foolishly brought my sister to this appt because we were anticipating hearing our babies first heartbeat. How cool would that have been for her!?!

We were all completely in awe looking at our baby. Not even a thought had crossed our minds that something was wrong. Still was shocked and confused why I couldn't tell what was what yet but not even thinking something was wrong!? Then the doc stopped the ultrasound and asked if there were any rooms open that he wanted to talk to us without my sister in the room. Another thing that was strange was he did not give me a picture. So right then and there I knew it was bad. I got dressed and asked my DH if he felt like something was wrong? he thought it was strange that the baby hadn't changed much as well. So we went in the room and waited for 45 minutes to talk to the doctor!! Luckily, for us my friend also works there as a medical asst. and joined us for our ultrasounds. The look on her face said everything. I asked "is there something wrong" and she said "I cannot lie to you..I am so sorry. I see this all the time. The baby just hasn't really grown". I was in complete shock. I still felt pregnant!?! I was naus ALLLL MORNING! NO bleeding, NO cramping, NO signs that something was wrong! The look of disappointment on my husbands face was worse than any disappointment I have seen before. The doctor came in and gave us medical words but basically meant "there is no hope". We were left with 3 options: 1. D&C in the OR (last choice) 2. let my body miscarry on its own (not sure when or where it will happen) 3. miso vaginally to induce miscarriage. we opted for option 3. I was scheduled to go into work the next 2 nights (ironically I am a postpartum maternity nurse) and decided to take them off and at that time it would make most sense to induce the miscarriage at the same time. I figured it was best to grieve and miscarry at the same time.

I had plenty of love and support all weekend. It was helpful not to be alone. Not sure I would've coped to well if I were alone. Lots of crying, lots of talking, lots of bleeding, lots of healing, lots of love, lots of anger and confusion, lots of questions why? then I saw the clarity through my tears. My baby had a heartbeat. It was alive. Even for that second it had a spirit. It was floating above us int he clouds of heaven in the loving arms of my daddy. And SOMEDAY I will meet that child and all my answers will be answered. I GOT PREGNANT! And something had to be so wrong with this baby that it could not have been viable or lived a life of suffering. I realized I need put my Faith in God and whatever is MY path in life. That this baby was not meant to be. BUT WE DID GET PREGNANT AND WE CAN TRY AGAIN.

I am still coping. I am still questioning it. But I AM HEALING. When I am down I turn to the positive and the future. I love this baby so much. Our hopes and dreams were in THIS child. But someday...SOMEDAY we will look at our baby and realize why all things happened. And that that baby was without a doubt meant to be ours at that time.

I went last Friday for my follow up and all the remnants were gone. However my uterine lining was still sort of thick so the doc wanted me to miso again to thin the lining. So that is where I am right now. Waiting patiently to bleed. Nothing yet. I will need to call them today if I don't bleed by noon. Then in a few weeks we will meet with the doc to discuss the options of what is next for us. IUI again or trying IVF. Then we can try again after I get my period.

I wanted to try a blog to help express my feelings. I did think about it before but now that we went through this loss I need some love and understanding from those ones out there who have had similar stories. It is comforting to know I am not alone and that good things DO happen to good people.

So please join me on our begins again!