Latest Update

I know I have not been current with this and I apologize. I really should because I went back and re-read the blogs and it was nice memories of all we have been through.

The last I left off was last year when i was doing acupuncture and the chiropractor and having very regular cycles. Well I ended up spontaneously pregnant that cycle after my last blog. OMG it was so easy too. Unfortunately ended in a miscarriage as well. Never even really progressed that far. Most people not even being so on top of their cycles may have not even realized they were pregnant. I had what was referred to on paper as a "chemical pregnancy" and basically my numbers never rose high enough to be seen on ultrasound. I ended up bleeding spontaneously.

That whole week watching my levels rise slowly I held on to hope that this was my time. IT made so much sense. I was going to be due right before my dad's birthday in october (he has passed on but we have a huge huge huge emotional/spiritual connection) and there was a psychic i saw back in july 2010 that had told me i would be pregnant in 7 months. I truly truly believed this was a gift of God and that it was finally it. I think that loosing this one was harder than the other two because I truly felt this to be a gift.

In retrospect it was a gift. because it led me down my next path to answers and well being and health. And I believe my answer to WHY i cannot sustain a pregnancy.

After this I really just wanted to stop trying. Focus on our new house. And we got a puppy. I just wanted to STOP trying. get my body healthy.

So because of this chemical pregnancy my chiropractor did EVERYTHING in his power that he could do to help me save this pregnancy. He referred me to another chiropractor. but this chiropractor does something unique. something most people would not believe unless they tried it themselves.

He does something called nutrition response testing (google it) it in a nutshell is based off the autonomic nervous system. you control your test. he just has you push up against his resistance. each organ has a pressure point on the body and if that organ is stressed or ill in anyway you physically can not hold up your arm to his resistance. then after he finds the organs of focus he will use different vials with specific causes of the stress on the organ (i.e chemicals, illness, parasites etc) then he has a whole cabinet of supplements to help the body get healthy. In conjunction with this he also monitors your diet and helps you get healthy. STILL in the process of giving up sugar because of this (THAT IS SO HARD).

But his findings were astounding and to be perfectly honest make perfect sense. I was found in my first visit to only have response at my ovaries (perfect sense i have PCOS) and the only thing that i responded to was mercury. I was dumbfounded. mercury??? I don't even LIKE to eat fish. where would this come from? he said the environment, metal fillings in your teeth etc. hmmm. he also said this was a long time coming and its been going on for years and nothing I DID. Also at this time i found out MY LAST OF 4 metal fillings is rotting and decaying in my mouth. I have throughout the years gotten them all taken out for this reason. So i have spent the last year detoxing this mercury out of my system. it is FINALLY gone!

So, i did some research and indeed high mercury can cause chromosomal abnormalities in a growing fetus. WHY NOT MISCARRY when your body is TOXIC. would you want to grow in a toxic environment??

I could potentially get pregnant again on my own = success, I could do another IUI = success. But after much thought I thought why not now do the IVF, let them see my eggs see these embryos growing and pick the best of best. If it is the mercury, i know i can be pregnant, we've picked best of best = success. Easy right?? NO

my insurance SUCKS. financially since fixing up the house. we don't have a lot of extra money..so i took out through the flex spending at work $5000. But found out when we started the process, we would need another $3,000. Well now I am working on saving up as much money as I can before December. I am working on holding a dem with a whole array of vendors and having people make purchases for themselves and I get back a part of the profits.

Then hopefully with the combined profits and what we can save, we can go for the IVF later this year. Everything still on paper shows I can have a baby and everything is "normal". So we shall see.

The house is good. My health is good. My husband is the best. My heart is hurting. Our beloved puppy who we treated like the child we have not had passed away tragically on Valentines Day. WHY CAN'T WE CATCH A BREAK. I don't understand, and probably never will understand why he had to get taken so young. He was such an amazing dog. He was the true definition of man's best friend. I don't like dogs! But I fell 100% in love with him and he took a part of my heart with him. I miss every day and everyday there are so many things that remind me of him. We did not have him that long but the time we had was so precious. He will never be forgotten. I miss him so much.

I am only hoping God took him to make room for bigger and better things.

Like Dory in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" that is what I shall do..........


Rest in Peach "Poppa Bear" Barney Stinson Rubble 4/3/11-2/14/12 You will forever be missed <3

wow

I did not realize how long it has been since I updated this thing. So all of my test results came back normal. which meant our little girl was sick. we sat down with the doctor who felt comfortable doing another IUI. I on the other hand could not put myself through all that just to end up with the same outcome. So we decided to take a break from our treatments and when we are ready come back for IVF. I really needed to get my head clear and get back in the game. Hard enough to get beat down once but then to get back up and brush it off and get beat down again i need a break.

Also, around this time there was a house near my mom's house that I have always eyed went on the market. We decided to put in an offer and see where it went. Well the house is now ours. it is a total renovation and we are pretty busy with that. not to mention it has sucked us of our savings. This is completely worth it because now our future children will have a house to come home to.

I am going for acupuncture and for 3 months (hopefully to be 4 in the next few days)I have ovulated on my own. I feel good. Timing hasn't worked out well for us to have intercourse but it is so exciting to see my ovulating and menstruating in a normal cycle. So who knows, maybe (yea I can dream) we will be one of those miracles that happens on its own because we were not thinking of it (even though I don't know how i will ever stop thinking of it)

Oh and also to make the knife wound hurt a little more. Not only did i receive coupons for diapers. I got formula delivered to me AND the cord blood registry was wondering if i was still interested. Thanks, but no thanks. Yet again i will be better once were past Feb. 17th.

Strange to think this time last year I hoped 2010 would be a better year than 2009. Well I was wrong. We still don't have the child we always wanted. But on the brighter side we do have our new house. if it doesn't work out I will just get a puppy.

Test Results

We got some results back from the D&C and our chromosome tests.

We were having a baby girl. I knew it was a girl by the symptoms i was having! Of the 20 cells they tested. 15 were normal girl. however, 5 of them had a inverted 11th chromosome. They suggested we go for further chromosome testing (which we already did since it takes a few weeks to come back). They thought that I may or hubby may carry the inverted chromosome. Well we both have normal chromosomes. which means it was something wrong with the baby. They seem to also think it was bad luck x2. BUT to be safe they sent me for further testing and blood workup for recurring pregnancy loss.

We have a follow up the end of august to review these test results and set a plan for the next one.

Still have not gotten my period since the D&C yet anyways. I am in no rush and ready and willing to wait for all these results to come back and get my body ready for the next attempt.

Praying God keeps working on giving us our perfect little buddle of joy.

2nd anniversary

so yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary. my how the years have flown. I said to the hubby "boy time flies when you're having fun huh?" he said "what fun?" ohh fun like "lots of vacations and sightseeing! and we did indeed have lots of trying to make babies..and did make two babies and undergo lots of fertility testing" lol that has been such fun. all in all i could not have asked for a better husband by my side. the complete opposite of me. The one who keeps me grounded and reminds me of what is real in life is and not where my mind can lead me.

i have to vent for a second. i cannot stand people who complain about being pregnant. PLEASE SHUT UP. I would give anything to be in your shoes. I would give anything to be full term and complain that i am "uncomfortable" or my baby is growing off the charts.

These are the things that make me angry. because i have learned to truly appreciate those things. AND the last couple of weeks when i have been so tired and nausea had hit. yes, i did feel bad. but i embraced it and appreciated it.

so as i sit here with my cramps to remind me of our latest loss i will just continue to hold onto hope that we will someday soon be holding our much anticipated and appreciated baby in our arms with more love than this kid has ever dreamed.

my thyroid came back at 1.19 and that is perfect. just gonna keep on my synthroid and await our newest test results to come back. been giving it some more thought and i think i am moving towards being ready for the 3 letter word we've been putting off as our "last resort"...ivf.

Tomorrow i will be trying accupunctor and on thursday will be going to the chiropractor. going to fill my life with relaxing experienments on my body anything that helps!

testing my faith in God....

So i did end up pregnant with the last cycle. They started me on synthroid to help my "borderline" hypothyroid stay normal. and then shortly into it they started me on progesterone supplements (my level was normal but more to be precautious). we were just prolonging the inevitable.....

my hcg levels rose appropriately. 121,255, 1600, 3080...scheduled our first ultrasound and everything measured fine and we did see a flickering heartbeat. vern jumped out of his chair he saw it so well. our second ultrasound however gave us a scare. Baby had grown appropriately but the heart rate was very very low. we could not hear it but we counted it at about 80. my heart was beating so hard out of my chest enough for the both of us....we left that appointment uneasy. the doctor said it can go one of two ways. 1. it picks up and its fine or 2. its the start of a miscarriage as things are working it realizes somethings not right... we had to wait a dreaded week. felt so sick. well we hoped the outcome would've been the first one but unfortunately we went thursday and it was the second one. no growth actually smaller than last time and the heartbeat was completely gone.

this time we opted for the d&c so they can test the fetus. were also going for chromosomal testing. going to wait to try again til we get some results back.

so bummed. so mad at Him. loosing faith in Him. how could he do this to us again? i am full of too many questions of why and why not and how could He?

here we go again. UGH

so we wait....

So we did proceed with using the bravelle and doing the IUI. We produced ONE yes i said ONE mature follicle and did 2 days of IUI. 60 million sperm with 90% motility first day and 100million sperm with 90% motility the second day. That was a week and 1 day ago. now we just wait. Had a little implantation cramping/bleeding monday morning. Hoping that is a good sign. May not announce I am pregnant right away. Do not want to jinx it this time. Gonna wait til 12 weeks or a THUMPING so loud you can hear it down the hall way heart beat. so wish me luck!

update

I never updated about the plan that we set up with the doctor. I did that because while we were away in Europe I ovulated! Took advantage as best I can and have been waiting for my period or a positive pregnancy test.

We all for the plan we were weighted with a couple of different decisions. 1. try a pill sort of like clomid. 2. go for IVF or 3. IUI with injections (going back to bravelle the med i got pregnant on) with possibility to switch to IVF if gets out of control. We opted to for option 3. But now knowing I ovulated on my own maybe that is why I should try the pills??

Well I did not get a pregnancy test to say positive. But to be honest I thought I was pregnant. My urine smelled so strong just like when I was pregnant and I had been cramping all week long with no sign of AF. But nope woke up this morning to my period. It is not very heavy but will be going in saturday morning for my blood work and ultrasound and we will begin again. I am going to proceed with the IUI with injections. I feel confident going back to this med I got pregnant on and if it still seems too much I will A. convert to IVF if it seems optimal OR try the pills next time.

Kind of a bummer that I did not get pregnant on vacation. We were in Italy and how nice of a story would that have been? oh well. just gotta keep on this roller coaster.